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11 May 2009 @ 07:12 pm
 I'm so very sleep deprived recently. I haven't gone to bed before 2:30 for many many days. Not that I can't go to bed earlier, I just don't have a good enough reason to convince myself that sleep is greater. 

I've definitely got a lot to think about-- I've gotten myself into some interesting situations. Not that I mind entirely, I just don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Jen's home from school, which is nice! Unfortunately she's going back down Sunday. Well, that could be a good thing too. It means I can go visit her when I go to DC this summer!

Current Location: Procrastination
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Land of Talk - Sea Foam
10 May 2009 @ 03:29 pm
My step-father definied himself in one action today.Collapse )
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Sinead O'Connor- Nothing Compares to You
09 May 2009 @ 11:36 pm
I am a flaming hypocrite.
I am half the things I say I'm not.

But I am happy with myself.
Current Music: Eisley - Marvelous Things
07 May 2009 @ 09:53 pm
 I've done a lot of thinking today about myself, and about others. 

With my friends I've always been the one who puts in so much effort, even if it's for little or no results. I like to make people happy. At the same time I usually end up going way overboard and trying so hard to talk to people that I consider important.

Were you wondering what was really going on inside her head?Collapse )

This morning when I was driving to school a song came on that reminded me of Loki. I was pulling into the turning lane-- the truck ahead of me had the word "gazelle" on it (probably the brand or something. I couldn't really say, since I'm retarded when it comes to cars). It really is funny how things happen. I still miss him, as much as I did in December, January, February, March, and April.

quote of the day?
"like I'd go to that STD fest"
thank youuuuuu Nikki!
(ps the icon is because I love you so much).
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism
05 May 2009 @ 06:28 pm
 I wish that someone could see me right now-- I look absolutely ridiculous. I have a stye, so I have to have a hot compress over my eye. Well, that by itself tends to look funny. I took it to the next level and decided that I need to have both hands, so I tied it around my face with one of my mom's scarfs. I have a washcloth on half my face, bound by a paisley blue cotton scarf. Go me.

Went out to the mall with my mom. Today ended up being better than I thought it would be originally. I figure that after last night there was no possible way today would be decent. Well, I'm doing lots of homework, and trying to get things ready for the presentation... but I spent time with my mom, bought myself two rings (because I'm sick of all mine which turn my fingers green-- so now I have sterling silver ones), and bought string to make Nikki and Marcus bracelets for their birthdays (Nikki's is FAR overdue, i'll add..)

Emotionally, I feel a lot better today than yesterday. I'm at the point where I'm like "well, I kind of don't care". The way I see it, if he wants to not talk to me, fine. I'm not going to let it get to me. I have my friends, and they're what matters in the end. Actions speak louder than words.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: 3OH!3 - I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby
02 May 2009 @ 10:13 am
I'm going to the barn soon! (Which horse is going to try to kill me today?)Collapse )
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: "Car Talk" on NHPR (wtf? why?)
30 April 2009 @ 09:56 pm
 I didn't go to school today. I woke up around 4:30ish, and just felt completely run down. Went back to bed, finally got up around 11. I would have slept later, but I set my alarm so that I would be able to do homework.

I had to work at three, because no one was able to cover for me. I didn't mind so much though, I need to get as much money as possible, and working isn't too bad. Today it was me and Gabby for two hours, then Tori came in at five. That was definitely nice, considering I'm friends with both of them. So the six hours of work went by pretty quickly, without any real problems.

It was mainly just laughing, making fun of each other, taking care of customers, and chatting about recent events. I didn't do so well in tips, but there was one lady who walked away after handing me a $20 bill. Her change was 17.89. That's a pretty nice bonus I'd say!

I'm really tired now, and will hopefully be going to bed soon. Maybe I'll take a nap after school tomorrow. I'm probably going to the mall tomorrow with Tori, maybe Otie too. Colton has to work though, so he won't be there. Portsmouth is a possibility as well. Maybe Tori will sleep over tomorrow. We haven't had a sleepover in a little while, it'd be nice to have a girls night.

My new backpack came in. I haven't opened the box yet, but I will within the next couple of minutes, I'd assume. I'm just kind of lazy. Kind of hungry. Kind of don't want to get up.

I got my check today. $47.something. 
Wooo. Money is money, and that was the week I was in DC. So my next couple of checks will be more, methinks. 


Confession #3: I bet on nearly everything. Even things like the time, and how people will react to certain things. Sometimes I just bet against myself, in my head.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: "Anyone Else But You" (The Moldy Peaches)
29 April 2009 @ 10:53 pm
 I don't know how all that just happened.

It was good.
Very good.

I'm not going to be insecure. I'm not going to apologize when I haven't done things wrong. I can have confidence in myself, and in others. And I will.
Current Mood: happyhappy
28 April 2009 @ 06:36 pm
This morning I woke up over an hour late. In fact, I woke up 20 minutes before I had planned to leave. I missed first period so that I could shower.

After getting to school late, today was alright. I felt really cute. Sounds retarded. In fact, it is. I'm only saying it because I find it to be significant. I looked in the mirror and went "huh, I look nice." Go Dana! Improvement is good.

School was boring and hot. They don't believe in air conditioning. 

After school I went and got lunch with my mom. We went to Moe's in exeter, because I had therapy at four in exeter. I'm really starting to think that my therapist does absolutely no good for me. She's kind of annoying. She repeats herself every four minutes. I'm not sure if that's because she actually forgot she already asked that question, or wants me to answer differently. You'd think she'd realize that I'm stubborn, and will not change my response for someone else's pleasure. Suck on that.

This morning, while blasting Sarah McLaughlin, I had many realizations about myself. I genuinely want to be a good, open person. I want to make other people happy. But I find that often I can't convince myself to let go of things--whether those are past events, feelings, or just laziness-- to help others the way that I want to. I'm starting to think my dad may be right. Maybe I really am the enemy to myself. 

It doesn't upset me. I just want to change. I want to be one of those people that makes a difference in peoples lives, at least in a small way. I want to do things, go places, meet people, and make an impact. You live life once, right? So why do I let it just slip by me?

I care about what people think about me. I say I don't, but I know that I really do. I don't like to upset people, so I kept a lot of what I think to myself. I don't stand up for myself often, because that would mean someone else could get hurt. I'm a push over. I'm just another face in the crowd. 

I'm going to start owning up to things that I don't let people know, because of how I think they might feel. My real friends will still love me, and that's what I need. I don't need fakes to surround me. If I can be content with myself, and my life,  I've done enough.

That's not very well explained. Oh well.


Confession # 1: I creep people's facebook profiles for new music.
Current Mood: impressedhonest
Current Music: "Nineteen" (Tegan and Sara)
26 April 2009 @ 08:08 pm
 It's been a pretty good day, in my opinion. 

Rich picked me up around 12:10, and we went out. Our original plan was to go to New Castle Commons (a nice beach/park area, that's always really pretty) but it was completely packed full of screaming children and their aggravated parents. We decided to go to friendly's, because Rich was hungry and I love ice cream.

Friendly's was good, I got a grilled cheese. Then Rich thought it'd be a brilliant idea to split a huge fucking ice cream, that had 12 scoops. 12 SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM. I didn't finish my half. Neither did Rich. 

After friendly's we decided to go to ogunquit beach. It was kind of cloudy, so it wasn't perfect beach weather. Still nice though. Then we went to walmart to buy bathing suits, under the idea that we'd be going swimming.. 

After we went to walmart (I got a BRIGHT orange swimsuit for a good price) we went back to my house. So Walmart was pointless. Played piano (he played the left hand, i played the right-- we're really awesome, by the way) and talked for a bit. 

After that we headed to wiswall bridge. There were a billion college kids, so we went to the sand "dune" for a bit (I call it the sand dunes, but I was told that was inaccurate since there was really only one good dune). Climbed a tree, got covered in sap. Swarmed by bugs. Left for the bridge, even though it was cold.

We got to Wiswall Bridge, and changed into bathing suits. It was pretty cold outside, so I  didn't want to jump. Rich jumped. Eventually I jumped too. Jumped again.

The water was freezing. Every single time. I don't know why I expected it to get warmer..
Now I'm drinking dunkin' doughnuts chai tea, trying to warm up.

Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: "Narcolepsy" (Ben Folds Five)